The collection of anonymous crypto confessions will appeal to anyone with an appreciation for black comedy, FUD and FOMO.
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Most groups and industries have their fair share of funny stories, dirty secrets, and just plain WTF moments that ache to be told.
That became a lot easier with the coming of the internet, as evidenced by the Darwin Awards that started in a 1985 Usenet newsgroup before onto the web in the dot-com era.
Needless to say, Crypto Twitter has its own version of this. The Coinfessions feed has more than 160,000 followers.
And while it has to be said that a fair majority of the "anonymous crypto confessions" fall somewhere between the "I lost everything" and "I made a fortune and then lost everything" stories, there's a lot more to be found.
Particularly in an industry with more than its share of hackers, fraudsters and rugpullers, to say nothing of adherents of the get-rich-quick philosophy of "Lambos" and "mooning." And, of course, FUD [fear, uncertainty, doubt] and FOMO [fear of missing out] investors who make easy targets.
Here's a look at some of the most loathsome, wholesome and just plain strange Coinfessions to be found by the morbidly curious crypto connoisseur.
Category: I Am a Terrible Person
It was kind of hard to choose a No. 1 slot in this category, as we're comparing immoral profiteering from a horrific crime (and then robbing people to boot) with an actual crime against an actual person. But the category runs from despicable to criminal to just plain creepy.
"I used to run an NFT project that was a derivative of George Floyd. Made $50k from mint and rugged it. Good times."
That's George Floyd (who is black) who was murdered by white Minnesota police officer Derek Chauvin, who kneeled on his neck for nine minutes during an arrest for a very petty and quite possibly unintentional offense.
"I have a series of graphic nudes and videos of my ex-girlfriend that I have uploaded to IPFS. Blockchain is fun, and so is decentralized revenge porn."
Singapore-style caning is bad and should be banned everywhere. You are why we need to say that out loud.
"My developer got malaria and I fired him without paying him anything. Fast forward two weeks and I found out he died."
To quote the top reply to this tweet: "Ok, there is evil. Then there's despicable."
"I was broke when the NFT craze was happening. So I decided to ask my mom for $3,000 and whatever profits we made, we would split 50/50. And she would get her initial [investment] back. At the time I got 0.7 ETH. Aped into a project with it all and ended up selling for 2.2 ETH. I decided to hold the ETH but told her it wasn't going well and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to pay her even her initial back. She said she just wanted whatever was left. So I gave her $800 and to this day, I still have $2.2 ETH with an $800 investment. I genuinely feel horrible about it, but she doesn't seem to care one bit."
How many hours was your mother in labor?
"I have been using my crypto profits to message all the women I went to high school with or know in person to send me nudes. I have paid up to $350 for nudes before but that's nothing compared to the money I made in 2021. I am living out my dream of wondering what all those people in my life looked like under their clothes. I have obtained nudes from 50+ different women I know personally."
Ick. Just ick.
"I ran a gray market casino aggregator. Rugged three projects while operating. Converted demo sessions to real sessions and charging the casinos the [gross gaming revenue of] about 15 percent while we got it for 0. Sent people into casinos for fake wins. Destroyed tokens."
You are a bad person.
"I am a serial rugger in the Solana ecosystem, rugging 19 projects for over $1 [million]."
You are a worse person. (But give no interesting details.)
"I started a charity foundation at 19 [years old] and raised about $2.3 million dollars. Only used about $300,000 of that for donations and kept the rest."
Your position on this list could rise depending on what the charity was. Pediatric oncology, for example, would be good for the No. 4 slot.
"I run a smart contract audit and security firm that's used by many projects. I charge insane prices and outsource the work to a guy in Indonesia."
It's not like people's hopes, dreams and life savings are at stake. Oh, wait…
"A buddy of mine worked at FTX up until the collapse. He mentioned that the company seemed to be wasting money left and right. As a joke, I sent a random invoice from a fake company whose webpage was blank with the words, 'real company' on it. The invoice even stated that there were no services rendered. To my surprise, they paid it. I kept doing this for eight months. And made over $162,000."
Which would be kind of funny (even though illegal) if that money was not stolen from FTX customers.
Category: I Work with Terrible People
"I stayed in a relationship with someone who sexually assaulted me because they said they would get my friend an internship at a leading crypto exchange."
This is just horrible, and if your friend knows, they are horrible. Call the police.
"I work for a top 20 crypto company, and I sold all my holdings a week after starting. The company is a mess, no organization, no direction, senior staff do drugs on work calls and clear-as-day embezzlement happening. Many other currencies are like this. We are all screwed."
But you still work for them…
"I was persuaded to start a web3 business with someone who runs a small one-man VC, with the promise of funding. We're five months in, I've put my own savings into it, and he has not invested. I got conned to work for free."
Remember that whole "trustless" part of cryptocurrency? It doesn't work without smart contracts.
"I met a popular founder at Art Basel and hit it off. We ended up hanging out every day and on the last night got really hammered. He shared that his project's treasury was wiped out from the FTX debacle but hasn't told anyone yet."
You shorted it, didn't you?
"I helped onboard my boomer boss into crypto in September of 2021. He asked for my help this morning to sell his crypto. At the end of the day he called me into his office and laid me off. Thanks crypto."
This is why "employee loyalty" is a multi-billion-dollar industry.
Category: Wholesome-ish
"I got into crypto trying to buy a bong in a way that my parents wouldn't find out. I bought more than I needed to buy the bong, and netted me a nice six figures over the years. Thanks marijuana."
Snoop Dogg would approve.
"My dad lost over [$5,000] on a scam exchange after he was contacted by someone on WhatsApp. I lost well over $10,000 holding Bitcoin from [its all time high]. We never used to have much to talk about, but now we're reconnecting, sharing stories about the craziness of the crypto market. It's weird I know, but crypto has brought us closer together. Got to be grateful for that."
Cheap at the price.
"I had six figures on FTX. My family's net worth. Hadn't lost one trade this year … more than doubling my normy income. Told my wife about the FTX FUD this weekend and she panicked on my behalf. She woke up in the middle of the night Sunday and transferred our funds from FTX to our Ledger [wallet].... Safe to say I avoided the noose and divorce that night."
Wasn't this an "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode?
"Wife and I live a simple life on [$20,000] a year. Made mid-7 figures with our savings this cycle. Been sitting in our account for [one year plus] and she still hasn't checked. I guess one day she will look and our lives will change forever. Until then, doing what we love & carrying on as usual."
Given that $20,000 a year is just $5,000 more than the minimum wage and $4,000 above the poverty line, maybe ask her if she finds your simple lifestyle all that delightful.
"I am from a very small remote village in southern India. My dad is a rice farmer. Today I got him a tractor to plow along with some auto equipment. Because up to now the work has been manual and very hard. I started with $500, a $120 phone, mobile internet and Hsaka/tree notifications on Twitter. All this money was never possible even in my dreams. Forever grateful."
Okay, there had to be a little bit of treacle.
Category: Raised Eyebrows
"Became a millionaire before losing my virginity. Thanks crypto."
There is a key piece of information missing here.
"[Crypto anonymizer] Coinjoin usage got me kicked off BlockFi. They closed my account and I had to withdraw stack to self-custody. This was two weeks before they declared bankruptcy. Coinjoin saved my stack."
The IRS is very happy for you. So happy they'd like to tell you in person…
"In the course of chasing this girl who never paid attention to me, I bought her Shib and Doge in December 2021. Because if you love her buy her crypto… I was meant to transfer the coins to her but we stopped talking so I just left them in my wallets. Long story cut short, I made $810,000 from it."
That's a mighty large jug of lemonade you made there.
"I made over $3.5 million over a period of five months by hiring labor from third-world countries to grind NFT whitelists for me. At peak, I had 85+ people working for me."
For which you paid them how much?
"Started learning how to use Adobe software to try to make an NFT project in June 2021. Ended up making an OnlyFans [site] of someone who doesn't exist using deepfakes. In my best month, I made $14,000."
As crypto fraud goes, this is pretty vanilla.
