The Teletubbies Have Launched a Cryptocurrency... and Teslas Now Come with DOGE Mining Rigs

There have been a spate of mysterious news stories doing the rounds in crypto circles today. Why? We literally have no idea.

Eh-Oh! Teletubbies Launch Their Very Own Cryptocurrency

The biggest bit of breaking news we have to bring you is that The Teletubbies have launched TubbyCoin "in response to the overwhelming global demand for cryptocurrencies."

TubbyCoin — collectively co-invented by Po, Laa Laa, Tinky Winky and Dipsy — uses HugTech and cutting-edge cryptographology to convey the inherent value of "Big Hugs!".

Handbag-toting Tinky Winky, who has been appointed spokestubby for the project after a bitter round of boardroom infighting with Noo Noo, said:

“Eh-oh! Big hugs!”

Are Fungible NFTs the Next Big Thing in Crypto?

In an attempt to solve the issue of non-fungible tokens (NFTs) being, at best, a mediocre means of exchange, industry-leading developers have created a platform that will allow users to burn their NFTs to mint the equivalent of their worth in fully fungible tokens pegged to the price of Bitcoin.

"We're freeing crypto users from the headache of having to barter two paintings for five music videos. Now they're finally empowered to send Bitcoin to anyone, anywhere, any time," commented the project’s head of development.

The mechanism of symmetric atomic fungibilization swaps introduced by Champignon Protocol — as the platform is known — is projected by many to deeply disrupt the field of decentralized finance. The high demand for the new technology is reflected by the size of the crowd sale: Champignon has managed to secure upwards of $50 million in funding despite having no actually usable products at the time of this publication.

Study Shows Globally Increasing Grip Strength. "This Is Good for Bitcoin," Says Industry Expert

A scientific study has shown that better access to nutrition and healthcare has resulted in the general improvement of physical fitness — in particular grip strength — of the global population. However, according to Dr Philip Parnas, this study speaks beyond just the future of humanity’s physical fitness, but also could mean great things for the cryptocurrency industry. 

“A problem in the crypto markets is what is referred to as ‘weak hands,’” explained Dr. Parnas. “What this study shows us is a more positive future for the crypto markets — fewer weak hands in the human race can only be good for Bitcoin’s price.”

Test Results of Tesla Model S With Integrated Doge Miner "Inconclusive"

Automotive giant Tesla has begun the trials of a new version of its flagship Model S with an integrated Doge mining rig, targeted at urban drivers "who don't need all that trunk space anyway." "We'll make the car basically pay for itself," said company's CEO Elon Musk. Initial testing has shown that the amount mined would be enough to pay for 5% of a full recharge, if only the battery hadn't died long before the car could make it to the nearest charging station. 

"Doge is essentially the Bitcoin of cryptocurrencies," commented the inventor-entrepreneur Musk. "We have to keep trying."